Spinning 101

I think I just broke my ass... and that place between one's ass and vajayjay - for men, it's a taint; for women.. I don't know what it's called. I just wiki'd "taint" and apparently the scientific term is "perineum" and I recommend NOT looking that up for yourself, lest you want to be bombarded with pictures of penises, balls, and buttholes. I'm now scarred for life.

Back to the story of me breaking my ass..

Spinning (aka hell-trap on a bike) is the devil. I decided to take a spinning class at my gym because I heard it "totally re-shapes your ass." And whose ass couldn't use some re-shaping? I realized after the class that the re-shaping is due to the tiny, little seat that is jammed up your butt at varying intervals for a good 60 minutes.

Being a newbie to spin, I had to ask the class instructor for help in setting up my bike. The pint-sized, curly-haired lady with glasses followed me over to my bike that I had strategically wedged in a dark corner of the room. She explained the ins and outs of the torture device that was about to become my nemesis, and eventually we got things set up. I waited for her to walk away before I attempted to mount the bike, as I was almost positive that I would fall off or do something very embarrassing because that's just how my life goes. I'm a walking disaster most of the time.

Someone turns off the lights and the music starts thumping. For whatever reason I was expecting the nst!nst! bump of techno music, but Annie Lennox's Walking on Broken Glass came on. I thought this strange, but fitting as I always think the lyrics are "walking on, walking on your fat ahhaasss." Maybe I joined the adult contemporary spin class?

Soon after we start, the instructor is yelling out commands of turning this knob, leaning forward, climb, push, breathe, blah blah blah. She tells us we're going to be "in the saddle" for the first 30 minutes. Upon hearing this, I think, "more like the saddle is in me!" And I am thankful that the lights are out so none of my fellow spinners can see the horrid faces I'm making. Not to mention the sweat that is coming out of my body so quickly it doesn't have time to collect anywhere, it just falls to the floor. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I was dripping sweat.

We pass the first 30 minutes and are finally allowed to stand and ride. Initially, the standing and riding piece was a major factor in me not attending spin class. I was 90% sure that while others were standing and pedaling like pros, I would either a) not be able to stand because I'm weak sauce, or b) would promptly tip my bike over upon standing. But when she said we could stand, I think I audibly yelled, "praise God!" and stood with the confidence of Lance Armstrong.

My legs, being slightly less confident, started to feel like jell-o so I had to get back "in the saddle." And as soon as I sat, I was back up standing because my butt was not fond of the tiny seat being wedged back in. I went back and forth like this for the final 30 minutes, panting, sweating, and wincing the whole way. I almost started crying at one point. I'm not even kidding.

When the class was finally over, I waddled back to my car and went home. I was really hoping the pain would go away after a nice warm shower, but it didn't. I tried not to walk around too much because every move I made caused pain. After howling and groaning for a good hour, my roommate suggested I ice the area.

"How?"
"I dunno. Get an ice pack and just sit on it."
"But it's not just my butt, it's like between my butt and my vag... maybe if I just lay down with the ice pack between my legs it will work."

And I did. For the rest of the night. Until the ice melted. And let me tell you, putting ice between your legs is a sure-fire way to cool down your whole body in a matter of minutes. It's amazing.

I kind of want to go to the class again. I'm convinced that if I just keep at it, it won't hurt as much. Like maybe I just need to break my butt in, y'know? But I'm also scared - I mean, what if I damage something in the process? It can't be good to have a seat jammed up your no-no spots for an hour. I don't see how people do this for a living. Especially guys. I can't imagine what spinning does to your junk. Ouch!